I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.


Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.


If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.


To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.


A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?


My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.


I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.


Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?


I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight…