“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]