“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.