If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
You Might Also Like
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland