Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
You Might Also Like
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
#MeanwhileinCanada
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
when someone compliments me
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes