If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.
If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.
Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.