@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

@mattytalks

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@LadyBombs

I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.

@Shock_Monster

If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.

@Terdoh

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

@Traceylei2

Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.