which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills


Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.


Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.


Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.


David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.


I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.


*cop bursts into bathroom*
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*


Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*


“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll