My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
🤣🤣💀
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!