“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?