My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Can Happiness buy money?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick