things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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Received some very disappointing news today
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
no their not
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Happens to everyone.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.