That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?