The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


I rented a tuxedo then didn’t need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?


When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.