I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.


Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes 🙁


Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.


Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart


When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”


Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!


“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports


Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’

BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’

Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’


I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.

And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.