Ur hot plz marry me.
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.