@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

@NYC_Blonde

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@Mikecanrant

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.

@SteveSuckington

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

@Moldy_Jellybean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@HeyJennyLeone

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.