@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@kellysdf

Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.

@CollegeHumorLol

When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, “Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom”.

@CM2BTTHD

Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.

@MadcapsTPS

They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.

@st00pidfast

I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.

@FrankCurtisB

When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.