To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.


When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, “Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom”.


Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.


They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.


I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.


When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.