7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
How actors in movies eat their food
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
monday
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.