Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
You Might Also Like
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
#Caturday
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.