Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….