The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
You Might Also Like
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
The little toadstool has spoken.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.