Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
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ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees