“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Finished stitching this today 😇
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*