@Baxterbix

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

@mishakey

I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.

@TarzanFeathers

When someone says “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you”, I’m wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

@DanteEvilCat

“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…

@TravLeBlanc

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

@

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.