@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@NoogsCorner

To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

@ilovepie84

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

@WetzelGeek

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@grammar_c**t

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”