Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.


If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.


I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.


When someone says “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you”, I’m wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?


“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…


The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.


Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Me: I’m going..


I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.