My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You Might Also Like
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.