manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]