A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
You Might Also Like
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it