Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
You Might Also Like
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.