Donkey I Shreked the Kids
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”