@SassMouth8

Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?

@LeviathanPride

Overheard this locker room convo: “The new school janitor is weird. He’s always hiding in here when we’re showering”. I took my mop and left

@weinerdog4life

Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say “Ta-Da” when you do.

@eddiepepitone

Signs that things aren’t going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.