Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.


My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.


Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.


I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?


*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?


Overheard this locker room convo: “The new school janitor is weird. He’s always hiding in here when we’re showering”. I took my mop and left


Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.


Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say “Ta-Da” when you do.


Signs that things aren’t going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.