@KellyBXah

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

@jmhuntsinger

Sometimes I like to lie on the kitchen floor and pretend I’m a crumb.

@C3Ballin

Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.

@EFFFFFFYOU

Report – Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year.

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.

@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.