@Token_Geezer

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@meganamram

I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@FakeWhimsy

No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.