@Token_Geezer
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
@Token_Geezer
@hipchkk
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
@meganamram
I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out
@MyTweetLilLife
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
@SergioValenCo
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
@ruslg1
50 shades of grey = my Liver
@UrbanDouchebag
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
@JoeP187
So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?
@moiragallaga
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
@FakeWhimsy
No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.