So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
liiiiiiiiike
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If you know, you know
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist