@BestWorstAdvice

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@cynicanoldicus

On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too

@funWindow

Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now

@shegotagronk

Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.

@shegotagronk

It’s so beautiful outside. I should probably do something…Like close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my computer screen.

@ilovepie84

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.