Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
emergency phone
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
tell em, edith-anne