How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
😏😏😏
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys