“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
mom had nothing to worry about
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?