I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.


The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.


Do you think that a funeral director signs his letters with ‘ yours eventually’?


Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.


I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.


“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.


Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain πŸ˜‰


It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.


The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.