so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN