@KKAlThani

I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.

@lianamaeby

The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.

@maddie11_Anders

Do you think that a funeral director signs his letters with ‘ yours eventually’?

@Eric_Bader

Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.

@Chicken_Hawk38

I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain πŸ˜‰

@Schmoodles

It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.

@Spotzwoj

The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.