Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!