Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*