I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I needed a laugh this morning.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
no
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.