@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

@lottie_fly_x

Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

@brotherslop

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

@ozzyunc

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

@RunOldMan

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

@notalogin

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger