@skedaddle74 You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things
1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing
2. Always put on clean underwear before going out
3. Never snort black pepper
4. Always be kind
@skedaddle74 
@mrjohndarby [gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
@Rollinintheseat I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
@PopeAwesomeXIII Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
@brynnester Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way
Will: That’s true
Way: Very true
@ShortSleeveSuit All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
@DurtMcHurtt *from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
@MariasWestSide I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one
@EmmyStar79 Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
@SladeWentworth I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.