@LostFelicia

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

@colleen_eileen

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

@HomeWithPeanut

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

@notmythirdrodeo

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

@OrdinaryAlso

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

@Chhapiness

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

@WOLF_Financial

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over