@heckyessica: If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

@Mardigroan: How do I mute or block this account called "Promoted?"

@chrislhayes: It's so cute he threw in "hereby" as if it means anything.

"I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games."

@steveffootball: At my interview

Him - what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

@Trisarahjtops: Just because I choose not to drink doesn't automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I've also made.

@JacobLevenson: My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

@neonwario: Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

@: Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

@JB4Realz: me: my cup runneth over...

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@fro_vo: [restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this