@skedaddle74

You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind

@mrjohndarby

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

@brynnester

Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way

Will: That’s true

Way: Very true

@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.