@lilsmichelle: last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
@blade_funner: [David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
@Fickle_Filly: I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
@abbycohenwl: Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
@ellenfromnowon: the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
@RaxKingIsDead: do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
@leftarmisme: If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: ...you took out the trash