It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.


The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me


Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie


when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone


If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.


me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?


The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer


Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over