@conajam: interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

@fimoculous: When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

@KeetPotato: dad: "what's that nice french place we went to called again?"
me: "france?"
dad: "that's the one"

@C_A_Guardiola: Her: Undress me with your words...

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

@KylePlantEmoji: "I can't, too busy":
- no one believes you
- tired
- allows for future invitations

"I can't. Not since the accident"
- mysterious
- fresh
- prevents future invitations

@: "I can't, too busy":
- no one believes you
- tired
- allows for future invitations

"I can't. Not since the accident"
- mysterious
- fresh
- prevents future invitations

@: I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

@jamdugg: *Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason...”

@sweetg35: If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

@UnFitz: When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?