@HenpeckedHal
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
@HenpeckedHal
@F8NTY
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your sonic limited edition curry
@HoldinCoffeeld
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
@AndyAsAdjective
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
@adrianmyreality
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
@iGreenGod
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
@SarcasticSadOne
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
@CruisinSoozan
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
@lukeplusone
‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.
@YSylon
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”