@Lisabug74: You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you're being watched?
@LostFelicia: My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
@PinkCamoTO: The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I'm turning it into a scavenger hunt.
@_whatwhatwhat_: gf: don't tell my dad you sell drugs
gf's dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
@thenashleysays: the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been "we don't pee our pants on purpose when we are mad"
@TweetPotato314: detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
@minkpinkustink: there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
@ficklenuts: Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
@AshToTheFuture: Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.