@LostFelicia
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
@LostFelicia
@colleen_eileen
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
@HomeWithPeanut
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
@notmythirdrodeo
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
@Pork_Chop_Hair
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
@OrdinaryAlso
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
@English_Channel
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
@Chhapiness
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
@clichedout
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
@WOLF_Financial
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over