vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes


Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.


Me: I’m looking for a 4bed, 3bath, big yard.

Realtor: and what’s your budget?

Me: *hands him a sack of Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens*


medusa was the first woman to be fergalicious (put them boys on rock rock)


The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.


If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.


[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges


For once, I’d like to see an action movie where someone yells “WE’VE GOT COMPANY,” and then some nice neighbors come over and they have a lovely dinner party.


I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw