Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Lisabug74: You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you're being watched?

@LostFelicia: My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@PinkCamoTO: The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I'm turning it into a scavenger hunt.

@_whatwhatwhat_: gf: don't tell my dad you sell drugs


gf's dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@3sunzzz: If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@thenashleysays: the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been "we don't pee our pants on purpose when we are mad"

@TweetPotato314: detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@minkpinkustink: there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

@ficklenuts: Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@AshToTheFuture: Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.