You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind


[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks


Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.


Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way

Will: That’s true

Way: Very true


I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one


Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.


I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.