Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?


Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*


My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.


came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.


Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.


Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what


my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here


My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.


Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger