@cellapaz

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

@MaidOfBeans

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’m looking for a 4bed, 3bath, big yard.

Realtor: and what’s your budget?

Me: *hands him a sack of Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens*

@lilgrapefruits

medusa was the first woman to be fergalicious (put them boys on rock rock)

@TwinSurvivalist

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

@iGreenGod

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

@perlhack

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

@SkippyMcGizzard

For once, I’d like to see an action movie where someone yells “WE’VE GOT COMPANY,” and then some nice neighbors come over and they have a lovely dinner party.

@AngryRaccoon2

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw