@F8NTY

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your sonic limited edition curry

@HoldinCoffeeld

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

@iGreenGod

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

@CruisinSoozan

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

@lukeplusone

‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

@YSylon

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”