@YSylon
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
@YSylon
@lottie_fly_x
Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!
My face: *activate freckles*
@3sunzzz
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
@brotherslop
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
@ozzyunc
Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
@ArfMeasures
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
@MNateShyamalan
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
@RunOldMan
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
@notalogin
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
@Skoog
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger