babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your sonic limited edition curry


Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*


[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool


A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.


*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.


‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.


I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”