@HelenMaryMe2

Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*

@diaruba74

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon

@metickleu

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

@HatfieldAnne

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

@TheBoydP

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

@BigJDubz

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

@TheIntComShow

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers