My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.