fourth time’s the charm
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Has there ever been a more American story?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.