Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”


My marriage is a mess and I’m in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that’s what keeps me going.


I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.


I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


Mom: Any big plans today?

Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and…

Mom: The mail doesn’t come on Sundays.

Me: Oh, then no. :'(


Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.


*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!


Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household