I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.


Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.


I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.


There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.


Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.


I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.


“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows


I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.