[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.