I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!