For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice