Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I’m still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.
I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.