Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.


“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!


If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?


My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?


I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..


Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.