@bmarked21

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@MrsMikePatton

My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

@Schmoodles

Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.