@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, do you like princesses?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”

“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”

@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

@shkeeber

I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

@akmalshamil

*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”

@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

@GeorgeScumbag

Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.

@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.