@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@gorrdano

If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@Midgetspar

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@luiki89

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

@BumpyRIde_

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.