*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.