@JimmyTheThing

Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.

@LarryNow

“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.

@StellaRtwot

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@Dirty_Naomi

I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@procharged94

Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.

@MissBamantha

Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@TJ_TheMenace

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.