Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.


“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.


When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?


Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.


Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”


I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.



Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.