Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”