@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@Australianimal

Taken 4: Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says “just keep her. She’s annoying and I’m tired of this”

@DTelf

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

@JMFnSparks

Dear men,

I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her!

Love,
Spiders

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@lilgapeach30

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.

@ryaninco

God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib

@EliTerry

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER