Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?
That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.
When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine
I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can
Taken 4: Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says “just keep her. She’s annoying and I’m tired of this”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her!
Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.
God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER