“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”


50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.


~ At a bar last night ~

Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want


If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron


I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.

It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”


Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.


Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.