@SincerelyMen

“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”

@meisology

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@RorynotRoy

Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.

@iAmDelFreaky

~ At a bar last night ~

Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want

@ilovepie84

If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.

It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”

@michaelianblack

Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.

@PoorEvelyn

Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.