every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I don’t know what to do
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
God has left this place
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.