my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks