Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
This rocks
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
58.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.